boyfriend watches porn

“My boyfriend watches porn. Doesn’t he love me?!” I get this question ALL the time…and the best answer is always “it depends on the situation.” However there are some universal truths that I see about porn addiction that can help address this question.

Self-Comforting Mechanism 

Quite often kids will discover masturbation as a way to comfort themselves after they’ve experienced trauma or stress. It could be family problems (parents fighting, divorce), performance issues (bad grades), physical/mental abuse, and general stress-inducing factors. In addition to masturbation, people will naturally seek out additional sources of comfort – pornography. Pornography is so accessible and so novel upon discovery that people will have a sensory overload. It  feels good to masturbate to it, and it makes people forget about the stresses of life. A lot of times people don’t realize that their porn addiction originates from seeking comfort in times of stress.

If you have a loved one who’s addicted to porn, maybe suggest that they identify and really think hard about their past, or how they’ve grown up. Identify all the struggles, fears and traumatic events that may have happened to trigger the individual’s comfort-seeking behavior.

Curiosity and Convenience

A lot of teens (or kids…*shudder*) get into porn these days simply due to curiosity. The media is rife with near-pornographic images, along with shows that may condone sexual behavior (read: anything on MTV). THEN there are news stories about this and that celebrity’s leaked sex tape, and before you know it, kids are a-Googlin’ away. So yes there is that curiosity factor.

But ultimately…convenience is king. The internet has made porn free, instantly accessible, and convenient to watch privately. These factors all come together to make people seek out sexual experiences online. The human mind is curious, especially when it comes to sex. It’s sad that porn is gradually becoming the standard of sexual education for the youth. When a teen hears his/her friends talk about blowjobs, anal sex, this and that – they’ll naturally want to seek out that information online and wind up watching porn. This is how the porn pandemic started.

Addictive Behavior

Combine curiosity, convenience, and self-comforting mechanism, and you’ve got the pillars of a highly addictive behavior. For all those concerned boyfriends/girlfriends out there…doesn’t it make sense that if your significant other often orgasms to pornographic material, that they become somewhat dependent on it? The orgasm doesn’t only feel amazing, but it is also leaves a deep impression on the brain. These repeated feel-good experiences make the bond between orgasms and porn so strong, that sometimes real sexual experiences just don’t measure up. In porn, things are unreal. Unreal bodies, unreal situations, unreal personalities and settings…unreal in a sexual fantasy world designed to turn on the user. This makes it REALLY hard for the user to fully appreciate “normal” sex. The results? Not being able to have an erection, not being able to orgasm, or having a bad sex in general. It sucks. Because porn is addictive in of itself, that’s why people do it. For those asking “why does my boyfriend/girlfriend watch porn?” Just ask yourself: why do people smoke cigarettes or drink too much alcohol? It’s because they’re addicted!  Understanding this past paragraph and doing some research on the roots of addiction will help you a lot in the long run.

It’s Not You…It’s Me 

People always think of themselves first. When they ask “why is my boyfriend/girlfriend watching porn?” the underlying question is really: “why are they doing this to ME? What is wrong with ME? Why does he/she get off to porn but doesn’t have sex with ME?” These are all valid, important questions. But if this is you, then you got to switch your frame of thinking. Think of what your significant other is GOING through. They may have an issue (and may not see it/admit it) and you don’t want to make it worse by judging them or trying to “catch” them watching porn. Adding stress might actually induce your partner to want to watch more porn.

A lot of people might start to have self-esteem issues and think that they’re not attractive enough if their partner watches porn. Don’t think like that. That’s not true. I know some guys who aren’t interested in sex, and they have the HOTTEST girlfriends. It’s a porn problem. Realize beyond your own frustrations and consider that porn is a problem to attack together.  Shift the mentality from “ME” to “WE”Do you think your partner wants to rely on porn? If they had a choice, they’d probably choose to never have to watch porn again. Be as supportive as you can and try to do things that deepen your relationship. This usually means spending more quality time together and having new experiences together. When the opportunities arrives, talk to your partner about how you think porn is affecting your relationship.

For all those ailing boyfriends/girlfriends out there…fight on. It’s not easy but try to be on the same TEAM as your partner. Doing that will ultimately be the best way to help yourself answer the question: why is he/she watching porn?

 

Be well,

Marc

 

Posted on November 11, 2011 in blog, Relationships

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to Top